Why do I feel so lost?
Why does it feel like you don’t know who you are anymore?
When I lost my wife to cancer in 2023, I felt like I had died as well. I was 35 years old, and had been with her since I was 17. We had two younger children together, and she had been by my side through the traumas of Afghanistan, hardships in policing, and career transitions into the private sector. She was my heart and guiding light, and without her, who was I?
In the months that followed, I tried to make sense of it all, but there was a problem:
That incident had changed me so drastically, shattering an already tragic worldview and destroying my identity. Things that I never could have imagined happening had occurred so suddenly and violently that I was left trembling at how unfair it all had felt. Hadn’t we suffered and sacrificed enough? What did we do wrong? What was I supposed to do now?
My biggest and most pressing question was:
How could I possibly rebuild my life when I didn’t even recognize myself anymore?
And that question is what this article is about:
Why do I feel so lost in life?
Why do I feel like my life no longer makes sense?
Why do I no longer feel fulfilled?
And most importantly:
How can I reclaim my sense of direction and purpose?
Before we can get into that, we need to understand “why” we feel this way. It’s confusing, frustrating, and overwhelming, making it difficult to recognize what is happening.
Although your story may look different, the feeling of being lost when life as you knew it no longer makes sense is something many people are quietly struggling with.
Why you might be feeling lost:
You’ve spent your whole life creating an identity for yourself. For many people, that identity gets wrapped into a profession:
“I am a soldier.”
“I am a police officer.”
“I am an [insert career here].”
And that label becomes a badge of honor in a way, as you identify with it. That label provides security, a persona, and an explanation for who you are because it carries a societal archetype and an inherent meaning.
But what do you do when “who you are” is no longer providing meaning?
When your career, to which you've dedicated your life, starts to feel draining…
Your relationships, which are part of who you are, are no longer fulfilling…
Your hobbies, which once brought you so much joy, no longer do.
Where are you supposed to turn when the very things that brought your life meaning and purpose now only feel draining and dull?
What do you do when the very source of your identity has become the sole source of your inner turmoil?
The only solution is to create a self-identity that is reinforced by inner conviction rather than being reliant on external conditions.
An identity where your energy, purpose, and meaning come from within. Where you make your choices based on what resonates, what aligns, and what calls to you. Rather than feeling forced to diminish who you truly are to comply with the expectations that society has placed on you.
When you learn who you really are and live your life your way, you bring your full, authentic self and gifts to whatever you choose to do in life.
So how do we do that?
How do we build a self-identity that isn’t reliant on external validation, but one that is fueled by conviction, drive, and purpose?
The first step is to develop Self-Awareness:
The reason you feel lost is not that your life has changed dramatically, but rather that YOU are changing.
This process of rediscovering yourself is less about inventing a new version of you, and more about remembering the one who’s been here all along – beneath the noise and expectations.
Your true self, the intuitive part of you, is telling you that you are more than the labels you’ve previously identified with. That you were meant for something different, something more. That it’s time for a change.
When we feel lost, like we don’t know who we are anymore, it’s not because WE are broken, it’s because our sense of identity is shifting.
And when we lose our sense of self, it can be extremely challenging. But here’s the thing:
Losing your sense of self isn’t a crisis; it’s an opportunity:
The emptiness you feel is space being cleared for truth.
It’s an opportunity for you to shed the limiting labels that are holding you back. An opportunity to step into the role that your whole life has been building toward. A purpose that is unique to you, but holds the keys toward fulfillment, meaning, and agency.
As I learned after losing Jess, losing your sense of identity, although it can be devastating, provides you with an opportunity to start fresh and discover why you are here. Your rock bottom can provide the foundation for building the new you.
As we embark on the journey of self-discovery, we are invited to explore who we truly are and the purpose of our existence. Within this self-awareness comes the opportunity to reduce clutter, align with our values, and discover our true purpose.
And when we do that, we become liberated from control because we know that the only real source of meaning in life comes from within, expressed through conscious choice in how we decide to live our lives.
That’s the beauty of life, because:
True power isn’t control over circumstances – it’s control over choices.
For some people, like myself, life forces us on a path of self-discovery. For others, perhaps yourself, your intuition is providing you with that nudge, recognized in discomfort, telling you that something needs to change.
We can’t control what life throws our way. We can’t control the world’s chaos. But we CAN choose to listen to our intuition when it guides us to make different decisions.
And I can tell you from experience, it’s better to make that choice when it’s optional instead of waiting for life to force that decision on you.
The choice is up to you, and that’s the way it must be.
The First Step:
One reason we feel lost and can’t see the way forward is that our lives are filled with so much clutter that it makes it impossible to see what our next steps should be. Between work, appointments, kids’ sports, chores, and media, we’ve lost connection with ourselves. It’s like trying to drive when your windshield is covered in snow: you can’t see where you are or where you are going.
The dissonance you feel internally is your intuition telling you to make space to connect again. Instead of avoidance, lean in. Instead of resistance, choose flow. Listen to what your intuition is telling you.
To begin clearing the fog, take 10 quiet minutes and write freely:
What experiences, people, or moments make you feel most alive or at peace?
What consistently leaves you drained, tense, or resentful?
For each, ask:
What does this reveal about what matters most to me?
What pattern or theme do I notice?
What might my intuition be inviting me to release or embrace?
This simple awareness is the first step in rediscovering who you really are, which allows you to uncover who you are becoming.
Stay tuned for Part 3 of this series, where I will explore why it feels like you are stuck – why the ‘old ways’ are no longer working.
